It’s hard to trust people in the marijuana growing bizness, but when you run more than one grow op, or if you have a grow op with more than a couple dozen plants, you really need a “grow helper.”
I’ve gone through several.
One was a hot and wild 19-year-old woman who wanted to make love more than she wanted to tend the cannabis plants.
You’re probably thinking, hey what’s to complain about? Well, I was married at the time.
And this hottie grow helper is one reason I’m not married now.
Another time, I had a long-time “friend” who was cutting bud-heavy branches here and there, and taking them for himself without my permission.
When I confronted him about his theft, he threatened to nark me.
Then there was the guy who had orgies in my grow op…with underage girls.
He ran off to Tijuana with a 14-year-old girl instead of monitoring my marijuana grow op while I was out of town.
The air conditioning failed, and I lost 230 plants. He didn’t give a shit.
So after many unpleasant experiences and a few good ones, here are my rules for finding a professional marijuana grow helper:
- Make sure the person isn’t addicted to chemicals, anti-depressants, or alcohol.
- They need to have some marijuana gardening experience or be very eager and very fast at learning.
- Ask them what jobs they’ve had before and: have they ever been fired from a job and if so why.
- Don’t let them be alone at your grow op until you’ve had a few days to watch them in the garden.
- Make sure they have a marijuana card if your state has a legal marijuana system.
- Pay them only after work has been done right. If they screw up, withhold their pay, or reduce it, immediately.
- If you’re paying them in buds, offer them a percentage of the harvest. This gives them an incentive to try harder.
- People with training in horticulture, botany, landscape architecture, plant science go to the front of the line.
- Ask for references. Do a background check. It costs $25 to do one online.
- Share some seriously dank whole bud or errl with them and see how they act when they’re super-stoned. See if they start babbling. Because loose lips sink ships
- Give them the impression that if they ever steal weed from you, or try blackmail or nark you, that it won’t be good for their health or life expectancy. Tell them to watch the movie “Goodfellas” for more information about your feelings about rippers and snitches.
- NEVER have sex with a grow helper, unless it’s someone who is already your lover, and everything is good between you.
- Give your cannabis grow helper a list of specific duties, chores, and responsibility and keep a written record of their performance. Have them keep a written record of what they did each day…as specific as they can make it.
- If you have someone in your life whose judgment you trust, invite them to hang out with you and the grow helper to see what they think about the person.
- Set up hydroponics grow room monitoring telemetry that you can access from your device and computer. Set up hidden video cams too. And pay attention to what these systems show you about your marijuana plants, and your grow helper.
- Keep a constant close watch on your marijuana grow helper for at least the first two weeks of their employment, and then again especially at harvest time.
- Hold training sessions at least once a week to teach them more about running hydroponics grow systems, checking plants for nutrients problems, pests, or diseases, and paying attention to grow room climate and cleanliness.
- If your grow helper has a lot of drama in his or her life (bad divorce, violent associates, DUI, etc.), that can indicate potential trouble for you.
- If your grow helper does a great job, pay them MORE than you originally contracted for.
- If your intuition (or your employee’s job performance or personality) make you feel something just ain’t right, it probably isn’t. It’s best to say goodbye to the person early on, even if you have to do all the marijuana growing work by yourself.
So if you ask me to describe my ideal marijuana grow helper…
I’d say it would be a serious marijuana grower who has successfully grown his or her own bud for a couple of years.
Someone with a day job, who wants to learn everything about professional and commercial cannabis growing, doesn’t smoke cigarettes, is single or has no children, has a car, is reliable, honest, a fast learner, and fun to be around.
An additional plus is when the grow helper offers to do a cooperative marijuana grow and they provide cash for part of the rent, electricity, gear, hydroponics nutrients, clones, marijuana seeds.
If the person has some dank clone-only cannabis lines, or rare cannabis seeds, that’s the icing on the cake.
Then you’ve got the perfect marijuana grow helper!
