The Medical Marijuana Strain Guide For Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse
Posted by Laura Vladimirova | 6508 views
By Laura Vladimirova
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First, there was the case of a nude man eating that other guy's face. Then, a mom was accused of killing her baby, eating his brain and biting off three of his toes. Finally, there was that college student who killed a man and ate part of his brain. AND the Canadian psycho gay porn star who killed his lover in Montreal, ate parts of the body, and posted it online before being arrested in Berlin.
All rational human, non-zombie creatures are obviously thinking the same thing: Zombie apocalypse.
So what, or who, is to blame for the spread of the zombies among us? Many zombie researchers are pointing their not-yet decrepit fingers at synthetic medical marijuana as the major culprit. There could be other causes too, such as: Over-processed foods, crappy American singing competitions, advertising aimed at getting into your brain, tiny teacup Yorkies, fake celebs that star in eyeball melting reality TV shows, the 46th remake of any Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, and the return of boy bands.
Research is still pending.
“It's coming,” says John Beck, a 26-year-old aspiring scriptwriter from NYC. “This stuff is too crazy to be anything else. I'm getting prepared by writing a screenplay about it.”
When the imminent zombie apocalypse hits (which is like, practically any day now) we in the medical marijuana community must be prepared too. Guns and pitchforks are one thing, but we have a greater weapon: Our super-potent medical marijuana.
We'll need to gather the best strains because if we can't kill 'em (which we can't since they're already dead) we'll have to placate them so they don't eat us or our families.
Here's what you'll need to defeat the zombies that come banging at your front door, asking for brains like it's Halloween candy:
Curing Insomnia for the Undead
Maybe they're cranky because they won't be sleeping for all of eternity?
Strain recommended: Tangerine Kush, a nice top shelf Indica dominant hybrid that will couch lock the heck out of the threatening zombies.
Pro: That sweet tangerine smell will certainly cover up the odor of the undead.
Con: A sticky strain to break up and zombies are not known for their patience, prepare in advance.
Helping Zombie's with Social Anxiety
These guys can sure go on and on about brains. Talk about any other topic and their ears literally fall off. Perhaps their one track minds have made them a bit socially maladjusted.
Strain recommended: Kandy Skunk. This Sativa dominant hybrid is a little harsher than Bubba Kush but has a great instant effect.
Pro: This is a clear-headed effect that will hopefully give those zombies a chance to think about something else.
Con: It may just lead the way for more indepth, metaphysical brain conversations, in which case you're better off cutting your own ears off.
Pain Management for Zombies
Let's face it, their skin is falling off, their eyeballs have rotted away, and at any moment their limbs may just go missing. Show a little sympathy will ya?
Strain recommended: Death Berry, an Indica dominant. Most say it is one of the most potent Indica strains, beaten out only by Train Wreck.
Pro: Not an energy inducing strain, definitely couch lock with a side of sit there and just relax.
Con: Causes extreme red eyes, that is if you still have eyes left.
Better Zombie Dance Moves
Tired of zombies just doing that same old Thriller dance? They're kind of stiff, so it's hard for them to get relaxed and be more creative.
Strain recommended: Super Sour Diesel. Unlike the usual couch lock strains, this case calls for a creativity- and energy-inducing strain. Luckily, Super Sour Diesel, a Sativa dominant hybrid, is the perfect daytime medicine.
Pro: A 3-hour energizing and giggly effect for zombies will help them coordinate a new dance-- finally!
Con: Zombies are creatures of habit, they may just keep doing that Thriller thing over and over again.
So what have we learned from all of this? Get ready and stay as far away from Florida as possible because something is about to go down. However, if we band together, we have the best ammo possible and, as growers we already have some sort of storage bunker, protective weaponry, attack dogs and a an ultra-sensitive camera system.
But please folks, watch out for those super appetite inducing strains, because that could just go terribly, terribly wrong.
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Sunday, 03 June 2012
Article by Laura Vladimirova, on Jun. 4th 2012