Whether in the workplace, pre-employment, for athletes, for probationers, or for students, drug testing disproportionately affects marijuana users because marijuana metabolites take a long time to leave your system and are easily detectable in hair, blood and urine samples.
The more you use marijuana, and the more potent the marijuana you use, the more likely it is a drug test will flag you. If you’re a super-stoner, toking multiple grams of Kush, Haze, Blue Dream, bubblehash and other potent marijuana on a regular basis, even if you quit today, most urine drug tests could still bust you 3-4 weeks from now, and most hair-based drug tests can bust you 3-4 months from now.
Even casual marijuana users are at risk from drug tests if they’re done within 1 to 6 days after smoking medical marijuana.
Drug testing prevents marijuana users from getting and keeping good jobs. It locks marijuana users out of sports participation, scholarships, and professional licenses. It’s also a billion dollar industry.
It used to be that drug testing was somewhat inaccurate and produced “false positives” for marijuana. When stoners tested “dirty,” they’d claim to be using ibuprofen or other over the counter meds that create false positives. Or they’d say they inhaled second-hand marijuana smoke.
Unfortunately the drug testing industry has upped its game, using multi-pass testing technology that all but eliminates any legit claim of false positives. If they get you, you’re got.
That’s why you see so many companies selling materials and advice about beating drug tests. There’s always the latest “Quik-Klean,” “420Flusher,” “Goldenseal Scrubber,” and many other products that allegedly help you beat a drug test.
Unfortunately, almost all of these methods fail. There are many stories from marijuana users who bought a product that was supposed to fool a urine test or hair test, but the tests detected cannabinoids anyway.
While it’s true that some of the ingredients in some test-beating products are diuretics or internal cleansers that might remove a percentage of cannabinoids from your system, it’s also true that drug tests have become way more sophisticated. No longer can you be even half-certain that a “magic potion” will make you pass your drug test, especially if you’re a heavy toker.
One anti-drug test product that works, if you can get away with using it, is called the Whizzinator.
It doesn’t try to cleanse your body of cannabinoids, and it’s only for beating urine tests.
The Whizzinator is an elaborate combination of materials, and a device, that helps you appear to be urinating out of your own genitals, when what’s actually going into the urine sample jar is pre-mixed, pre-heated zero cannabinoid urine…from somebody else.
It’s the good ol’ “urine substitution” trick. The heating is necessary because urine testers notice if the sample you give them isn’t 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.
But the Whizzinator doesn’t take care of hair-sample drug testing, which can detect cannabinoids up to 120 days after you’ve consumed them. And if you get caught using a Whizzinator, you’re likely to get fired.
If somebody really wants to nail you bad, they can do a cannabinoid blood test that detects cannabinoids for at least 3-11 days after you ingest them.
Being Candid About Beating Drug Tests
I hate to burst the marketing bubble of “beat your drug test” marketers, but there really is no magic formula for beating drug tests.
Other than not using marijuana, which is a terrible option, the best you can do (other than a Whizzinator) is to drink as much water as you can to dilute your urine, while taking other steps to purge cannabinoids from your system. These other steps includes exercise, saunas and diuretics.
If you’re fortunate, you’re not subjected to random, last-minute drug testing. Usually, they give you at least a couple days notice when a drug test is coming up. Right then and there, you immediately stop using cannabis, drink lots of water, do some serious sweating, and hope for the best. Go out and buy the “we beat drug tests” products if it’ll make you feel better, but don’t expect them to work.
In a short-notice or no-notice situation, you’re left with drinking lots of water in the hours before the test, and maybe just praying for luck. In all urine testing situations, avoid giving your first urination of the day. THC and other marijuana metabolites accumulate in your body and urine during the evening, so be sure to pee somewhere else first before you pee in a drug test cup.
Drug testers look for extremely clear urine as a sign that someone has been diluting, so you take a dose of B vitamin complex an hour or two before the test so your urine looks properly yellow
If the situation sounds pretty futile, kind of like a wheel of fate, it is. It’s bizarre that we’re enduring forced collection of body fluids, but what’s even more scary is that mandatory drug testing is generally accepted as just the way things are.
I mean, thank the ganja gods that you’re not Lance Armstrong or an Olympic athlete. Those people are subjected to drug testing so harsh that it routinely gives false positives. “Secret” test results are leaked; achievements of skilled athletes are sullied by what later turn out to be spurious drug use allegations.
Like what happened to Olympic snowboarding gold medal winner, Canadian Ross Rebagliati. We all knew he had to be stoned to soar as great as he did. But a drug test found THC, they stripped his medal, he fought, they gave it back to him, and then they changed the Olympic regs so no other athlete who tested dirty for marijuana would be allowed to keep a medal.
Drug testing is big business, and you might see the rationale for drug testing airplane pilots, train, bus and subway drivers, and similar professions. But generalized drug testing is rightly described by civil libertarians as a pervasive, damaging weapon used against our medical marijuana culture.
Friends, I wish you the best in beating drug tests, but wishing won’t make it so.
Or better yet, I hope you find a great job working for enlightened people who don’t require you to be drug tested.
I know one thing for sure, many of us walked away from “good jobs” to become full-time professional medical hydroponics marijuana growers, rather than put up with drug test discrimination in the regular workplace…and we’re a lot happier because of it!